


Someone You Loved

by skyearth2512



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Drama, Are you team Chenji, First 3 chapters are character centric, I'm updating them quickly so forgive the grammar, Kissing, Love Triangles, M/M, Not AU because i lack creativity to create a new world, Or Team ChanLe, Wrote some of it pre-daegal so forgive the lack of her, ambiguous ending, maknae line hoe, potential to continue, somewhat dialogue heavy, super self indulgent writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28462320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyearth2512/pseuds/skyearth2512
Summary: Sungchan is at Chenle's place again for a wine nightChenle thinks....not again.Jisung wonders....were they always this close?
Relationships: Jung Sungchan/Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le, Jung Sungchan/Zhong Chen Le, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 23
Kudos: 55





	1. Sungchan

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Year Y'all

Sungchan is trying his best not to stare too long at Chenle’s face or his lips. The wine was getting to him and he was unable to control himself as well as he usually does around Chenle in groups. Usually, he never allows himself to stare too much or respond too eagerly. ‘Stay cool’ he would often tell himself. And really, no-one needed to know how he felt especially since he was just debuting.

Sungchan had entered 2020 with joy and fear. His drive for perfection and hard work had finally paid off after years of training and he was finally a part of NCT. To ensure he made as many friends and no enemy, he was very cognizant to be inclusive and mention everyone in the group. His default was cordial, kind and maybe a little reserve but he was having fun.

Chenle was always in his radar as his 01 friend and he was looking forward to talk to him just like everyone else. He knew a lot of the chinese members but not Chenle because of how fast Chenle debuted. He was always a little awed by it and by him. During Enquete, in trying to be as varied with his answers as possible, he tried to mention different names and when the questions of the 5 year old member being cute, he thought…ah Chenle is cute. i don’t know him well, but that’s what comes to mind.

Then, they got onto the same team for the sports day and their chemistry and competitiveness surprised them both. Sungchan felt a light hearted joy everytime someone cheered for him but a little extra when it was Chenle. The whole sports day was exciting and fun and it made Sungchan want to get a tiny bit closer to Chenle. He had observed Chenle who was completely unreserved in his nature, the opposite of Sungchan. He didn’t try to be too polite or did what was expected of him, but he was kind and it always felt genuine. He was cheerful and earnest and unabashed and even with their height, it felt like they were two kinda opposite ends of the 01 spectrum (an affinity he held onto in a group of 20 hyungs)

He didn’t know if it was unconscious or not but some of Chenle’s habit rubbed off on him. He started to spoil a bit because he thought why not? He also noticed Chenle a lot more, even at some point thinking maybe he should listen in to one of his daily radio as a supportive member of the group and after realizing Chenle liked candlelight the most, it became his favorite too. They had slowly gotten closer as well with the overlapping members, and sometimes Sungchan joined basketball with Shotaro Hyung kind of knowing Chenle would be there. Other times, he would try and go when the chinese hyungs were out shopping or eating, but he was always a little disappointed whenever Chenle wasn’t there.

Crushes are such funny things….they sneak up onto you so lightly and all of a sudden it takes a tight hold on your heart, like vines squeezing hard and planting deep roots in the mind. So when Wonder came out, Sungchan instantly thought this was my song…he always felt affinity with Shawn…how they were both tall…n maybe, secretly, had a bit of feelings for guys. Sungchan never really thought too hard about this but he knew he felt good around guys n not as much around girls. Was he shy? it was not like he wanted anything, not with some of the hyungs who he knew liked boys too. So he wasn’t sure until…until he met Chenle, and how he would think about him often…or that feeling he gets, when they hang out and Chenle doesn’t really talk to him, or doesn’t show up when he thought he would. The way he would get so down made him think….this isn’t normal. He even sometimes envied how close some other members were with him, such as Jisung, and felt upset…..which was completely irrational.

When the iTunes questionnaire happened, he really thought recently his favorite person was Chenle, they had gotten closer and the smaller’s character, so different from him was refreshing and…perhaps Sungchan wanted to show his liking just a little in case it didn’t seem clear.

And so the tunnel vision started, he started realizing how beautiful Chenle voice was. They had to collaborate on All About You and man the way Chenle would hit those high notes, felt like angels singing.

Thus, who could blame Sungchan when his heart did a backflip when he went into the car that vlive n saw Chenle there and then heard him chime in to the karaoke. He should have praised both Haechan and Chenle’s voice as he normally would but somehow, perhaps feeling embarrassed he only said Haechan n Chenle looked a tiny bit upset. Sungchan couldn’t helped obsessed over it the whole night, n feeling down at maybe he wasn’t being inclusive n how Chenle might dislike him now (Chenle in the meantime, long forgotten n was sleeping peacefully)

but all of these thoughts was just for himself and those quiet nights listening to Wonder on repeat.

So right now, as said crush is sitting across of him with tousled hair, flushed cheeks from the wine, and silk pajamas a little too large that is showing just a little too much milky skin and collarbone (“for the feeling” Chenle had said when he first changed into it for the drink), Sungchan isn’t sure how to act.

This was the 2nd time Sungchan was in his house, the first time he had come with Haechan hyung after hearing about Chenle’s new puppy. After playing and being absolutely enamored by Daegal (like father like daughter he thought) they eventually settled down for a wine night. The whole time Sungchan couldn’t stop laughing and perhaps slight nervousness from the sheer situation, he accidentally flung his lanky arms and pushed his wine glass down the floor. Shards everywhere.

Incredulous and like a deer in headlights, Sungchan had stammered “oh my god! im s-s-s-sorry!! i’ll buy you a new one!” and then started trying to salvage or sweep it up with a kitchen towel.

Chenle with his trademark sigh and whine “Ya! what the hell Sungchan! this is your first time here! you’re like Jisung, poop hands! You’re never allowed here again!” all while hanging the biggest grin on his face and ending with the heartiest of laugh. Chenle quickly got the broom and shooed Sungchan away “i’ll do it, you’ll prob make it worse” and as Sungchan sadly looked into Chenle eyes, he saw Chenle whiskers dimples and smiley eyes flashed back. In that instant, he felt his heart sing a little.

It prob wasn’t great to break a friend (and a crush!) wine glass (that looked pretty expensive) the first time over, but it actually brought them a lot closer as Chenle now felt that their relationship was already enough to tease Sungchan.

But today…how did it end up with just the two of them at Chenle’s house? Not that Sungchan was complaining but he could feel himself sipping the wine down a little too fast to calm his nerves. Chenle had just casually asked if anyone wanted to head to his place for wine after the schedule and Sungchan had said yes, hoping to see cutie Daegal and not repeat his first mistake.

Chenle looked at him warily “fine! but i swear to god, if u break one more item, you are for real banned” and Sungchan laughed at the half joking tone it was made.

But Chenle had forgotten that the 127 hyungs had a stage tmrw and the dreamies were tired as hell and had hopped on the first car leaving to their dorm home. The WayV members had to continue rehearsals as they were practicing a new dance in a short time and Shotaro was not a big wine drinker soe he passed. Suddenly, it was just the two of them.

“Is it ok…if it’s just us?” Sungchan had inquired.

‘Yea of course! unless you don’t want to!’ Chenle had started to pout.

“Nono of course i do!”

“yay! 01 line night!”

and that’s how Sungchan ended up here. The wine had allowed them to converse easily, Sungchan making lame puns here and there while Chenle goes on animatedly about a story or a funny situation. Sungchan was able to comfortably use banmal and enjoy the beautiful reverberation of Chenle’s laughter in the house, all while Daegal is nestled cozily in his bed. But in between the convos, Chenle would do that cheeky smile at him and stare into his eyes, almost stopping Sungchan’s heart.

‘Ugh why are u so good looking. its kinda unfair’ Chenle would whine.

and that would send blood rushing into Sungchan’s face. Was Chenle trying to flirt? He was probably imagining this whole situation but his heart can’t stop racing now.

At some point, Chenle looks at his phone

“oh shit, its 3am! dude! do u need to go?”

“oh…uh..no i have no schedule tomorrow”

“but what about the manager or the dorm timing”

“oh right you’re right…uh” and Sungchan starts fumbling for his phone

“Tell u what, if u don’t think u can go home in one piece ad since the manager is probably down, you’re free to stay here…..”

and Sungchan holds his breath

“on the couch of course! no way im letting u stay in my room haha” (Chenle did have the spare room of his mom who was back in china, but it was weird putting a guy into the room)

and Sungchan responds even before thinking or calling the manager “oh is that ok? cause if so it might just be easier!”

Chenle shrugs n says sure but either way it was starting to get late and he wanted to get ready for bed. Chenle throws Sungchan some of his larger and loose fitting clothes but still laughs when Sungchan walks out looking like an adult wearing children clothes with half his calves hanging out. As they brushed their teeth together (Chenle has a huge set of disposable toothbrushes from hotels, ‘never waste!’ his mom would always say when they travel) he feels Chenle gently rocking to the music in the background while occasionally brushing against Sungchan.

it was probably the alcohol but every touch of the skin felt electric.

After finishing washing up and as they were heading out, Chenle sways again and this time around, he almost falls. Sungchan instinctively reaches out and holds him steady

“Shit…i think i drank a bit more than i usually can handle” Chenle says as he stares up with those beautiful doll eyes of his.

Sungchan mind is short circuiting as _he_ drank a little more than he usually does as well and oh my god Chenle lips are so glossy…

and before he has even realize what he has done

he lands a kiss on Chenle.

Both of their eyes widened in shock. Sungchan looking just as surprised as Chenle even though he was the one who initiated it.

“uh…” Chenle says

“uh omg im so sorry. im…i just….the alcohol…” Sungchan stammers

“u know…i don’t like guys right?” Chenle says

and Sungchan’s heart immediately sinks…he kind of remembers Chenle saying that in one of his live (he would never admit this to anyone but he sometimes found trans threads of Chenle’s chinese lives. He rationalized that it was cause it might contain him anyway. Like that time that he was somehow involved in that weird VS thing Jisung and Chenle had going on) and thinking he really had to keep these feelings of his at bay.

Oh shitt.

“no i know…i don’t like them either! i just…” Sungchan tries to explain

“but….that didn’t feel too bad.”

and Sungchan stares in disbelief, his heart swelling like a balloon.

“and anyway i’ve kissed with Jisung before and it was fine as well” Chenle mentions

and that line, somehow triggered a little switch within Sungchan. He was usually nice, nervous and totally smiley with Chenle, but hearing Chenle say another name…sent his blood boiling.

“You’ve…kissed…Jisung?” Sungchan grits through his teeth

“yea..i mean…in our line of work..its not like we get to meet that many girls and —“

before Chenle can finish his sentence Sungchan grabs him by his shirt and kisses Chenle again. this time around without the same gentle and lightness of the first kiss. it was strong and deep and urgent, his lips crashing again and again as though trying to erase any signs of prior stain before him

As Sungchan deepens the exchange, he simultaneously pushes Chenle into the vicinity of his bedroom and onto the bed.

Chenle is holding on tightly to Sungchan’s shirt for his dear life in order to match the velocity of which Sungchan is coming at him. Sungchan didn’t have his eyes closed and when Chenle stares back, they have the same intensity right before trying to kick a goal. it simultaneously scared Chenle and turned him on.

Things started getting a little heated as Sungchan reaches underneath Chenle shirt and Chenle immediately shivers and ducks away.

“uh…i don’t think..we should” Chenle stammers out quickly

and that slight tremor in Chenles voice knocks the sense back in Sungchan and he feels himself sobering up.

“Nono of course, im sorry” as Sungchan releases his grip and raises his hand in the air.

and there was the sweet bambi again.

Chenle gently and kindly asked if it was ok if Sungchan stayed in the living room and Sungchan agreed quickly. They both knew it wasn’t too safe for them to be in the same room. As Chenle says goodnight and leaves, Sungchan mind reels from the event that just happened.

Did…did he really ended up kissing Chenle? The Zhong Chenle? his crush? and have him kiss back??? He hasn’t felt this happy since he first heard he was selected for NCT 2020 ….this year has been shit for most, but damn, if it wasn’t one of his best year yet.

*

The next morning Chenle wakes up and acts completely as ordinarily as before. He says morning brightly and simply and goes about playing with Daegal and making breakfast. Sungchan on the other hand is still in a small state of shock, and he has deep eyebags to prove it. His eyes follows Chenle around as Chenle moves from kitchen to bathroom and then back to the kitchen again as he starts whipping up some meal, eventually walking over to the couch and setting down some scrambled eggs, tomatoes as well as a piece of toast.

“Hope u don’t mind this for breakfast, u should prob eat up”

and Sungchan just melts away at the gesture. Still a little loss for words, he eats and lets the food nourish his soul.

“So…i gotta head out soon, im going to run some errands and stuff. Will u be able to find your way back to the dorm?” Chenle says simply

Sungchan checks his phone and he realizes shit it was already noon, he had no schedule today but he was going to go for some additional japanese classes at the office in the afternoon. He quickly jumps up and prepares to leave though a part of him wondered if Chenle was just trying to kick him out.

As Chenle walks to the door to send him off, Sungchan felt a bit awkward just leaving and saying goodbye like that. Sungchan struggles to find something to say before going…he didn’t want it to end like that

but Chenle spoke first “i had fun last night” he grinned as he waved Sungchan goodbye, and Sungchan immediately beamed. Without thinking too much, Sungchan goes in for a quick kiss and says “me too!” and opens the door and runs off. Leaving Chenle a little stunned at the spot.

Sungchan leaves with a spring in his step and a grin stuck to his face (that lasts the whole day) while Chenle slumps back on the couch.

“Shit.” Chenle mouths. “Not again.”


	2. Chenle

It was right after Reload era, that Jisung and Chenle started the…Chenle still doesn’t know what to call it. It defo wasn’t a relationship, it was just….idk. kissing i guess? intimacy? Something above friend but below lover? Chenle knew what friends with benefits was but they didn’t even go that far anyway.

Jisung had randomly asked Chenle if he had any experience kissing one night while they were both playing games in his room.

“Dude, u know i don’t. why u making me feel single again?” Chenle responds angrily

“No..i mean. u know some of our hyungs are dating now n i just wonder….like im going to be an adult soon n i still have no idea what its like”

“Well, i am an adult already! are u shading me????” Chenle scowls.

“Nonono…of course not..im sorry.” Jisung response and Chenle goes back to the game. Jisung stops playing and looks intensely at Chenle. Chenle doesn’t notice immediately as he was too focused on the game and jumps when he eventually sees Jisung eyes plastered onto his face.

“Dude. what????”

“uh….” and Chenle spots a little blush on Jisung face “do u want to try it with me?”

‘WHATT??’ Chenle shouts and Jisung rushes to cover his mouth

“Shhh not so loud. God.” Jisung mentions and while he lowers his hand, he doesn’t leave Chenle’s body and lets them rest on his shoulder

‘"Look i mean its not a big deal right? Like neither of us have any experience. Let's just take it as practice! It's not like we can go around kissing girls either as idols, and finding a gf in this current covid situation is pretty near impossible...’

Chenle stares in shock unable to answer.

"Also…also….i mean. i think you’re kinda..cute. don’t you think i am too?" Jisung goes in slight baby voice

Chenle almost revolts from the shock of the aegyo but a part of him can also never say no to Jisung when he acts like that, no matter how incredulous the situation is.

"Dude shut up. your aegyo is grossing me out. just whatever. i mean if u want to do it just do it. God"

and he sees Jisung iconic smirk, the ones he does on stage when he knows he’s got it. 

Jisung movs closer.

Chenle closes his eyes as he can’t even comprehend what’s happening and tries to tell himself that it's just a girl. But his heart has been racing since Jisung first mentioned it and he could feel it almost bursting out of his chest. His ears are unbelievably hot and his shoulders are burning up from Jisung's touch. Then, he feels Jisung's soft pillow lips on his, and the waft of shampoo and laundry detergent with woody notes from the deodorant.

It intoxicated him.

They stay like that for a little while and finally they separate. Both noticeably blushing at each other. Chenle has no idea what to say but then Jisung speaks up "But...i feel that's not what they show in movies" and goes in again. This time around he opens his mouths and darts around Chenle's lips with his tongue, eventually going in as Chenle'a lips give way a little. The light kiss turns into a heavy exchange where eventually both parties are out of breath.

“Woa,,,” Jisung speaks again.

“yea…” Chenle responds quietly.

and then they did it again until both of them felt it getting a little too dangerous as their body heats up.

and then without much closure, Chenle mentions that they should sleep and they both went back to each others room.

After that, Jisung had started becoming a lot bolder on camera and off. I guesss…maybe it would be considered flirting? but Chenle had no idea what it was all about either. If there was a schedule, they’d find an empty room at the end of it and make out. and then it'd be over and they would just get out, pretended like nothing happened. During this time, Jisung was also really super protective and possessive of Chenle, he felt like Jisung would not like it whenever he went out without Jisung (though to be fair, Jisung was also super kind to Chenle almost to the point that Chenle felt he could get away with anything)

but then it all started to change.

He wasn’t really sure when. maybe around when NCT2020 started and when Jisung and Chenle both hurt their foot. They had relied on each other a lot and talked about the pain but Chenle started getting better while Jisung injury went much deeper.

Chenle was excited to be with the hyungs and would go out often with them, drinking and playing. They wouldn’t ask Jisung simply because he was a minor and wouldn’t be able to drink. Nonetheless, everytime Jisung caught a whiff of it he would start sending the cold shoulder and not respond to Chenle’s messages.

Chenle hates this kind of games and gets extremely irritated when Jisung doesn’t respond after reading his messages, it was one of the reason why he complained over vlive the other time. He had had enough.

Why was he allowing himself to care so much and to get affected by this guy? Who was Jisung anyway? They’re not lovers and right now he’s not even acting like a decent friend. In times like these, Chenle would just stop texting Jisung and they’d be radio silence for days.

and because their schedules don’t always collide anumore, those silence would stretch on. and then they’d meet, and somehow because of the way they laughed together or a particularly sad pout from Jisung, Chenle would soften and then they’d be ok again.

and it went on and off like that, until Chenle himself realized the shift in power. Jisung had started trying to expand his network, and he didn’t like it. In that famous vlive where Jisung chose Sungchan over him, he didn’t even realize how possessive he could be. 

That night, despite how much Chenle usually avoid it, they fought.

"Dude i was only joking. and why would u put me in such a situation anyway in the first place???"

"No but like i asked you sincerely, to answer it. and that was your answer. You always put this idea of what’s ‘right' for fans that its hard to tell what you really think! I mean, why are u even so nice to me on camera before? Is it because the Chenji agenda was important for dream and you were invested but now the 2020 agenda comes first, so it doesn’t matter?’

"What are u talking about???"

"You know what i’m talking about! The way you always make the atmosphere...so ambiguous between us. But like the moment 2020 happens you just abandon the whole idea of Chenji anymore"

"Just because i want to make friends and have lives besides you??? Can’t i make friends? You always complain how i cling to you and all and im just trying to have something of my own. and honestly it seems like you don’t want to spend time with me but you don’t want anyone else either. Isn’t that kind of selfish?”

it hits a nerve but as Chenle always said, he could never back down if he felt the other coming in strong

"So u think im selfish? Seriously sometimes i wonder if u even notice the times where i am nice to you. In your mind you think you’re the only one who’s nice. Why do you think I make fun of your around Henderey Hyung, it's in order to make things more relax for you guys. And you...you just act like im being a nuisance sometimes, or get annoyed at me or try to control me. It's fucking tiring’

and both of them fall into silence. Jisung isn’t used to a fight with Chenle. That's the last thing he wants. but at the same time, he has been feeling like it's been hard for awhile.

"yea its tiring for me too"

Chenle is quiet. It's the first time he felt that Jisung wasn’t going to give in or say those nice words that always buttered him up. Chenle felt, he still had his pride and he wasn’t going to try to salvage this if the other party didn’t care enough to do so.

"Yea so lets take a break from each other"

and that was that.

it wasn’t like they were in a relationship anyway, so there really wasn't a need for a break. But they took a break from their friendship and from whatever the hell was happening before.

It was better that way, Chenle thought.

It was too weird in the first place.

and its not like it could have gone anywhere.

man, im so fucking single. i need to get a girlfriend. Chenle complains during this time.

and despite how ready Chenle is to pat his back at his steadfastness and ability to move on, the nights would get rough and he would get random pangs of loneliness that he couldn’t explain.

And he started listening more to sad songs and even tried to look up their lyrics. And while he hadnt cried since 2016....

he felt his chest tighten.

*

Getting to know Sungchan was actually one of those little schemes of Chenle initially. Well, he always wanted to meet new people and make new friends, plus Sungchan was a 01 liner as well. Nonetheless, after that whole VS bullshit with Jisung, he was determined to get closer to Sungchan. When Chenle wasn’t brooding about the loss of their whatever-ship, he found solace in devising little revenges and being able to proof that he was doing better than Jisung.

It was petty, and he knew it. It probably wasn’t super fair to Sungchan either but he wasn't going to force a friendship...so when his new formed ‘bestie’ group member (that conveniently didn’t include Jisung) Haechan wanted to come over and asked if Sungchan could come, there was no way he would say no. They had already kind of bonded over the sports day, and Chenle was in awe of the way Sungchan overtook the arm wrestling competition. It was easy and didn't feel awkward anymore. 

Besides, Sungchan was also sometimes there when they played basketball with Shotaro. Honestly, Chenle liked the dude. He thought he was nice....though he did notice that Sungchan was a little strange with him sometimes, like occasionally they'd be speaking but he wouldn’t look him in the eyes or when Chenle would feel him looking his direction and look towards him, he would turn away. Sungchan would also sometimes be really friendly to Chenle and smiley but sometimes kind of cold, or perhaps not cold but avoiding? He remembered that one time they were in the voice vlive together jamming out, he gave great responses to Chenle and kept ensuring the phone caught his voice but at the end he only said Haechan voice was great which kinda offended Chenle. Still, he kept staring at Chenle after that.

Chenle shrugs it off, this guy might just be another Jungwoo hyung, incomprehensible and a little weird. But during the hangout, he found Sungchan to be a really funny and sweet guy, He just radiated cheeriness and quirkiness, but yet was also able to be strategic and tactical when they played games. It must be a 01 thing he thought, this competitiveness. Chenle turned out to really enjoy and wanted to hang out with Sungchan more.

and so when that 2nd wine night came around, Chenle was kind of excited to get to know Sungchan better. And while they were hanging out, he couldn’t help but notice how Sungchan was actually pretty good looking. Chenle was a certified Taeyong fan and overall he wasn’t going around noticing guys (he doesn’t swing that way…he keeps telling himself. Though sometimes, esp during times like this , he really wonders...) Sungchan had these wonderful doe like eyes, a small face and a handsome side profile….’Guess Jisung has a pretty good side profile too’ he found his mind wandering and immediately he shouts in his head ‘get out!! why am i thinking about that stupid guy’ and then when he refocuses back on Sungchan, he sees Sungchan intently looking at him with a silly grin

"Your expression just now was hilarious. kinda cute actl. u seemed as though u suddenly got angry with yourself!"

‘if only u knew’ Chenle wanted to say, but simply respond "haha really??"

The rest of the night was fun but he did notice that Sungchan really enjoyed staring at him, and sometimes it even felt like he was staring at his lips.

‘does he…maybe…like me??’ a small flash of thought ran through his mind but he thought ‘no way…Chenle stop being so in love with yourself’

n it surprised Chenle how that thought didn’t feel too bad.

so when Sungchan suddenly kissed him, Chenle was shocked to say the least. but like he said

"it didn’t feel too bad"


	3. Jisung

Jisung can’t help but click the scroll back button again. Watching the latest this n that video on screen.

Since when…since when was Chenle n Sungchan that close?

Something about the way Sungchan looked at Chenle and the way Chenle teased Sungchan, felt uncomfortable and familiar.

Almost…almost like a mirror of how Chenle n Jisung were together.

He felt he could probably recognize those eyes anywhere

That same eyes he had for Chenle the past few months before this whole cold war begin.

(well thats what Jisung calls it, it wasn’t really a cold war and they were still on pretty decent speaking terms. But from daily calls and goodnight texts, to just random sporadic group messages and work related text....it sure as hell feels like the cold war)

_Didnt want to be a ghost but you pushed me over and over (Lauv-Reforget)_

That was the first fight. Jisung was upset. Chenle wasn’t picking up. He knew he went out to have drinks with hyungs again. Jisung had thought this was going to be the most unbelievable year yet. He finally worked up the courage to kiss Chenle and Chenle didn’t push him away. While they never said anything, Jisung felt for sure that their relationships weren’t friends anymore. He was finally able to be with the one he had liked all these years,

And then he got hurt. and so did Chenle. but in those lonely times, when he needed Chenle, he was out. (to be frank, Chenle had no idea Jisung had so many nights of loneliness. Jisung can’t stop thinking and can't stop feeling sad about himself…2020 was happening and he wasn’t able to participate in the fullest) He seethed…sometimes, he felt Chenle taking him for granted, he had kept giving and choosing Chenle n Chenle still kept making fun of him.

He decided to ghost him n though Jisung quietly broods in the unfairness at how well he treats Chenle, he still misses him everyday. He just wanted to hear that bright laughter that immediately lifts his mood. Be with the one who gets his lame gags. He needed that now more than ever with him feeling so low.

They’d meet for a schedule and get closer again, But then something or another sparks them up and then they’re in silence again. Both angry and upset and nobody willing to back down. Jisung changed, he fights back with Chenle and doesn’t always choose him anymore. He knows how to show his distance and Chenle gets slightly insecure about the relationships. He even sometimes tries to win Jisung back…(n inside Jisung loves it) but Jisung still acts cold.

_On and off, and on and off and on (Light Bulb - NCT U)_

Always to the point that made Chenle just goes whatever. He doesn’t like him that much why does he have to try so hard. n the vicious cycle turn.

Despite the icy glares and the nonchalantness Jisung tries to show, he is always noticing Chenle. Doesn’t like it when Chenle is with another hyung, being nice to them, having them be nice to him. Even acting this way, he still, really, really wants Chenle as his own. Jisung was just good at trying to cover his thoughts.

Chenle was not. he was straightforward in his upset when Jisung doesn’t choose him, but at the same time, he had always approached everyone in his frank manner and wasn’t really trying to manipulate Jisung into feeling down. So Chenle has had enough. he doesn’t want to play along anymore. It shouldn’t be this hard. They aren’t even in a relationship, Why is this guy being like this

and Jisung, regrets it after days of silence. He'd listen to songs n wallow about how Chenle is gone and how he isn’t over him.

_Now you gone, now you gone, now you gone (Gone Girl-Iann Dior)_

*

Jisung noticed. If there was one thing Jisung was good at, he thought, it was perhaps observing people and figuring out their intention. That's why Chenle was so easy for Jisung, he was always so clean in his expression and clear as day (Like how he knew Chenle was probably jealous that Jisung went to the Escape room with Jaemin and therefore could just play along with his teasing. He thought it was cute ) That's also why he instinctively felt the difference when Felix got closer to Chenle and how it wasn’t pure friendship.

But Sungchan…Sungchan. initially he felt he was getting closer to Sungchan n Sungchan was nice to him. seeing how Chenle would get jealous, he wanted to quickly get closer with Sungchan…but also so that perhaps he didn’t only have one friend. However, he noticed how Sungchan would look at Chenle a lot. He noticed the way Sungchan seemed to react a bit more during All About You. It rang his little threat bell and he started to notice the small expressions from Sungchan. it felt like deja vu. That silent glances of admiration because of Chenle who was so different from the korean culture. And then when Sungchan chose Chenle as his favorite member, he was shocked. Were they even that close???

It was frustrating, how Chenle kept managing to win all these peoples heart without even trying, and here was Jisung trying to get closer to WinWin and sometimes trying so hard to make Chenle jealous. In so many ways, he wanted to keep Chenle all for himself.

_My orgel that is only mine , It’s only us in this world. Only dance for me, Aren’t you happy if you see me always smiling? I don’t want anyone to steal glances at you (Shinee-Orgel)_

In a move extremely uncharacteristic of Jisung, he asks Sungchan for a one on one meal. They’d decided to just order in and sit in one of the rooms in the office, but it was obvious from Sungchan's face that he was slightly perplexed by the arrangement. While they exchanged some pleasantries and basic conversation, Jisung looked more and more nervous.

Eventually in the silence as they were both munching on the food, Jisung blurts out “do u like guys?”

and Sungchan is taken aback. his gaze shifts slightly from the cheery warmth to a slightly colder facade.

"Why do u ask?" Sungchan had allowed Jisung to speak banmal to him, but such questions was kind of crossing the line.

"well, maybe not guys per se but…idk.....like Chenle?" Jisung manage to get out softly

Sungchan stares. and it's obvious his head was thinking about how to answer this.

Before he could even reply, Jisung continues

"It's not good u know? To like Chenle. you’ll probably end up hurt" Jisung starts and before Sungchan could respond he continues

"He’s so charming, isn’t he? He just sucks people in all the time. I should know. and really..you’re not the first person he does that to. Last year when we practiced with skz, one of the guys that Chenle made friends with, i think..prob started liking him too.

he goes around and smiles to everyone, and listens with that doll eyes of his. and suddenly people are falling all over for him."

again, without pausing he soldiers on

"But…the moment you get near to him. The moment u expect anything,,,you realize, you were probably nothing to him. You would never be more important than Mr Mark Lee, who he puts above everyone else even though he claims he has no feelings for him. and he would just up and meet new people all the time, leaving you hanging, waiting for him to call.

and everyone. everyone is always trying to touch him or hug him. You’ll start to realize how he’s never truly yours

and he knows…he knows when he has you wrapped around his finger. so he’ll probably take advantage of that..”

and before Jisung even realizes it, tears are dripping from his face.

Sungchan is stunned at the scene unfolding before his eyes, Sungchan realized midway that Jisung was probably talking to himself instead of Sungchan, but at the same time it was uncomfortable to be put in this situation

He kind of had a hunch that Jisung and Chenle prob had _something_ going on, but Chenle made it sound really casual. Though looking at Jisung in front of him it probably wasn’t that simple for at least one of the party.

Sungchan likes Jisung, he’s a good kid. He even sometimes reminds him of himself. but a part of him, especially after finding out that Chenle's kissed him. has made Sungchan started to see him as…not a threat, but…Sungchan doesn’t like it whenever Chenle says his name. Even though he decided to be on friends basis with Jisung, Sungchan still wanted to keep that hyung like relationship. He could care for him that way, as a hyung. But as friends? No….what was happening was bascially breaking the bro code.

Anyhow, he cuts in at this point "stop, Jisung. i don’t really need to hear this. im sorry that it was a bad experience for you….but….i want to find out for my own what kind of person Chenle is. and….i not only like him, but we’re together now. so i want to go forward as firmly as i can with this and protect him as well. O hope you understand. you’re still going to be my precious dongsaeng, and i hope this doesn’t change anything"

Jisung is shocked.

were they together? when?

(they were not. Sungchan just felt like it was going to happened anyway so he decided to tell a white lie)

and despite the kind words that Sungchan was saying right now, he saw a sharp stare piercing through Jisung, as though threatening him not to get too close to Chenle anymore.

What the fuck just happened?

Jisung wanted to perhaps scare Sungchan off from maybe getting closer to Chenle, just like how he managed to slowly edge Chenle away from Felix or thwart their hangout plans. He had no idea that they got that far already.

and Chenle was always of the stance that since he wanted a family eventually that he wouldn’t get into a relationship with a guy anyway. Whatever they had was most definitely not one

Why had he said yes to Sungchan? If they weren’t together because of those wishes then……did Chenle simply not like him enough?

His mind is running at a thousand miles a minute.

but Sungchan, who had already finished his meal, simply said ‘hey, thanks for the meal, lets have another one again some time’

and then got up and left

leaving Jisung to pick up all the pieces by himself.


	4. You're Gonna Live Forever In Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reconciliation (of lies and truths)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i actually wrote all 4 chapters out before publishing the first three but that night just got too tired (from proofreading) and only uploaded three

_Parts of me were made by you_   
_And planets keep their distance too_   
_The moon's got a grip on the sea_

_And you're gonna live forever in me_

_I guarantee, it's your destiny_

_Life is full of sweet mistakes_   
_And love's an honest one to make_   
_Time leaves no fruit on the tree_

_But you're gonna live forever in me_

Sungchan quickens his step as he leaves the room. His adrenaline is pumping. He was relatively calm in the room, but somehow the words triggered him.

He had felt so happy after that night with Chenle.....but now all the hidden insecurity are bubbling up.

They haven’t really met since then because of their schedules.... and though they’ve still been texting and calling….was Jisung right? Was it just some one time thing that Chenle did while they were both drunk on alcohol?

He pulls out his phone and dials that recently called number

"Hey Sungchannie wassup? oh you sound a little out of breath"

"hey are u in the office today?"

"oh yea i am, for the fansign but i gotta head out soon for radio"

"i want to see you, can i see you?"

"right now?"

"yes. right now."

"uh…ok sure. meet me at practice room 113"

and Sungchan is dashing. He doesn't stop until he reaches the room.

He opens the door and Chenle is already in the room waiting and fiddling with his phone.

"hey! why so eager to meet? you seemed a little - “ and for the 2nd time before Chenle can finish his sentence Sungchan goes in for a kiss. He holds Chenle tight as he tries his best to express the longing he had since that night. He soaks up the soft powderyness of Chenle's skin on him and the way his smaller body fit perfectly in his arms.

When they parted lips, Chenle face and ears are bright red.

"Wow. ok" Chenle manages to spit out

"Chenle, i like you. for real. and i want to be with you.

Would you go out with me?" Sungchan throws a straight ball.

Chenle was not expecting that. With Jisung, everything was always so….ambiguous and between the lines. Neither of them had ever mentioned liking each other nor the actuality of dating each other -- it was always so grey that hearing someone express themselves so straightforwardly was kind of a shock.

Chenle hates that he’s still thinking about Jisung at this time. But at the same time….is this what he wants? He does want to try dating in order to understand more of what love actually is. Somehow before that whole thing with Jisung, Chenle felt as though he was still treading on the surface of an ocean where all that mattered was hanging out with friends, games and doing what was asked of him at the job. He never thought too much about feelings and why they were important. After the whole whatever-ship, he felt like he had went diving and he didn't realize the depth those waters go. It awaken this need to understand and explore himself more.

Sungchan…was nice . and he was definitely a whole lot more stable n normal than Jisung was. but was this right? It would end eventually anyway since they had no idea what was going to happen post 2020, and he wasn’t ready for some long distance relationship or tedious meet ups between hectic schedules. And in the end, he wants a family and that is something he can prob only do with a girl….God, why is he even attracted to guys?!

Sungchan sees the furrowed eyebrows from Chenle and the way he’s gazing down. 

"Listen….i understand if I'm asking a bit too much right now. but…would you at least be willing to try? Not say yes or no, but at least a maybe and see as we go along?’"Sungchan asks.

Chenle looks up and there was Sungchan's gistening large eyes staring down at him. Man, he could get lost in them. He didn’t really have a reason to say no, he had no-one right now, he enjoyed Sungchan company and his body wasn’t against them being intimate together. A flash of Jisung's face crosses his mind but he shakes it off again. If anything, he probably should move on to get this stupid person out of his head.

"s…sure" Chenle responds

and again, with the megawatt beam from Sungchan he hugs the little one and then goes in again for a kiss, this time tender and soft.

Chenle looks at his phone and realizes the time, "shit i really gotta run. the manager is waiting for me" and then he bolts out again.

"I’ll call you later!" he shouts as he then leaves the room.

and Sungchan smiles, knowing that this. right now. was all he ever wanted.

*

The next weeks passed by in a blur. Chenle and Sungchan had started “dating”, though it's still a little weird for Chenle to think so. Nevertheless, Sungchan is the sweetest guy, he never forgets to wish Chenle good morning and good night with the cutest emoticons. They'd share about each others day when they had differing schedules, and when they were the same, they tried their best to have a meal before or after, (whether thats early breakfast or coffee or supper) and stowed away during breaks at stairwells and rooms for tiny kisses.

It's been nice, to say the least. Sungchan doesn’t cling to Chenle the way Jisung does, and he lets Chenle hang out with his friends. While Sungchan also hangs out with other hyungs, he notices that Sungchan still stays relatively closeby. In those instances in which another hyung got too close or would wrap their arms around Chenle, he would notice the a shift in gaze from Sungchan into a slight glare and sometimes even a subtle bump and an innocuous “oh im sorry!” to the hyungs (which usually succeeds in getting them off Chenle)

It's endearing, Chenle thinks of Sungchan’s protectiveness.

But the one glare he can’t escape is Jisung.

Jisung watches and follows Chenle’s movement like a hawk. It unnerves Chenle and Chenle wants to go right up to him and ask what the hell is he looking at.

But...when he finally allows himself to catch Jisung eyes, Jisung doesn’t move away. His expression immediately turns into a hurt puppy that the owner just threw away and it rocks Chenle heart like no other. Even if they weren’t together, he doesn’t think he could bare Jisung feeling this way.

so Chenle turns away and tries to ignore what’s happening.

*

One evening, as Chenle was getting ready to play the Legends of 1900s movie on his bedroom theatre, he hears a beeping as his door. He stares at his phone, it’s almost 1030pm who could it be? Sungchan does sometime drop by after work if he had no schedule the next day, but never this late or without a phone call before.

On a bit of an alert, Chenle peers through the hallway with a vase in his hand. He knows only members have his password but with crazy fans you jsut never know…

Suddenly, he sees a visibly frazzled Jisung pushing the door

Shocked, Chenle starts "Dude…why are u here?”

And Jisung just pushes through the door and barges in.

Jisung paces around the room, urgently, nervously and somewhat out of breath.

“I don’t even know why I'm here. I just can’t take it anymore. Every night I'm losing sleep thinking about what you n Sungchan might be doing. I'm going insane...so much so that i thought i just have to come....Even though i have no idea what i want to say…”

Jisung hasn’t been looking at Chenle at all since he came through the door.

“I just…..you....how could you just move on like that??! All the times we had, does that mean nothing to you?? Those moments the past half of the year, they were everything to me! I wanted it to last forever, I wanted us to last forever….and you, you just treat me like a piece of paper you could just throw away!”

Chenle grimaces. he doesn’t know how to respond. He goes so soft whenever Jisung is sad like this even though so much of what he’s saying is not true. Jisung was always so accustomed to viewing the world in his own mind that sometimes his perception wasn’t always grounded in reality.

“But despite all of this. even if u think of me as nothing,,,I can’t stop thinking about you. And how i want those times back. I keep listening and watching these time travel movies n songs, wishing i could go back in time. To how we were.,,,to the moments before it all changed.”

“Then i realize...but you’re still here. you’re still here. right now…and before i know it, I'm already out the door....”

and finally Jisung looks up. and Chenle stares back. silence between them

“Say something..” Jisung pleads

“I mean...I don’t know what to say. You come into my house suddenly like that when im not prepared at all. Thats how you've always been. I was fine being just friends but then you decided one day that we should start kissing. And then one day you decide to stop texting me and pull away as well. :ike, i never have a choice in any of this...I just keep getting pulled around by your whimsy and i have no idea if the next moment you’ll just change again!”

“Besides” and Chenle crosses his arms, not in an angry manner but almost in a protective stance “I'm with Sungchan now..”

Chenle says this without looking at Jisung.

He feels Jisung moving closer towards him.

“Do you love him?”

“What???”

“I said, do you love him??! Is that why you are willing to be in a relationship with him and not me??”

Chenle eyes widen “wh-“

and Jisung just grabs Chenle by his shirt and lands a heavy kiss. It felt desperate and angry, as though willing the other party to submit. As Chenle struggles he notices the taste of saltwater and stares up. Jisung's face was covered in tears. Despite the sadness that seemed to be emanating from the situation, Jisung doesn’t let up at all as Chenle struggles to push him away. He holds him tighter than before, locking him in his embrace

Finally, with no choice Chenle bites down.

“Argh!’ Jisung lets go and touches his lips, a fresh drop of blood on his finger

“What the hell!” Jisung says

“I should say what the hell back!” Chenle shouts, this time much angrier than before.

“You can’t just keep doing whatever you want. and thinking i’ll let you. Why…why do you think we’re even like this in the first place?

We were good friends before, and then that whole shit happened and now look at us?? We don’t even call anymore. We don’t hang out outside of schedules and we can’t even look at each other normally, or speak to each other without saying some hurtful words.

and what relationship with you?! You’ve never asked! You would act all cosy with me on camera, but sometimes it was so hard just to get your out of your house to come and find me. And that was the time when my mom was gone and i really needed company.

and don’t get me started on those freaking cold wars. Like what the hell did I even do for you to just ignore me like that while seeing my text?? I'm just trying to reach out or ask you out but then you never respond, And then you dare feel upset when I leave you out???! “

and its coming out like a torrent. Jisung is caught by surprise

“And…and you aren’t even that nice to me anymore. do you know that? Maybe its unfair because i know i don’t do the same for u, but you used to choose me for everything, but like now adays you never choose me anymore. I mean..like. if it's like that than i rather go back to how we were, because why was it that before we kissed or whatever you were nicer than after we did??? Were u taking me for granted? I have no idea, but it shouldn’t feel this bad.”

and this touches a nerve to Jisung, and Jisung can’t help but respond

“But what about you? It's not that I didn]t want to hang out with you but you never choose to come to the dorms with me either. I'm not a big fan of big groups n sometimes i just want to talk and watch a movie with just you. Also, when we hang out it's always what you want to do...like playing basketball or games.

and….while my knee was hurting, I really needed you there with me. But most of the time, you were out with some of new hyung you just met or just gotten close. And i know your schedules were tiring, but during those time you didnt even call, yet you still had time to go out for dinner with other people. All this while I'm home alone, with no-one here because i can’t dance anymore…

and…and…and you never ever choose me. Ever. I mean how do you think that makes me feel after awhile? I can’t always be the one giving…”

Jisung is angry but at the same time the tears keep coming. Chenle again, quiets down and lowers his combative stance

“Look im sorry, I didnt know how you felt at those time....you know i can be very tunnel focused on myself, not because i don’t care but I'm just not aware. You could have told me a lot of these things and i would’ve come. I'm not a mind reader you know!”

“Same here…i mean. i didnt know whether my actions really did bother you. You’re always so happy and surrounded with people and everyone loves you, I didn't know if me disappearing would affect you”

“What the fuck are you talking about. of course it would! are u joking”

and then Jisung breathes and contemplated that line….

“No…you’re right. Maybe i knew it would affect you. or that it would be the _only_ way I could affect you, and seeing you bothered let me know that at least you cared.”

“well thats fucked up.”

“yea….

im sorry.” Jisung said and he realized that he was admitting this to himself as well as to why he had done all those things in the first place.

“Look im sorry too. I never wanted to make you feel that way. and for what’s it worth, Even I'm appalled at my childishness and pettiness of you hanging out with others as well. When we had the break…i really got time to think about my actions and i really thought i shouldn’t be like this..”

Jisung can’t help but stare, a soft smile forming, the kind he gets whenever he’s touched by Chenle’s gentleness and kindness.

As they both stared at each other in silence, their eyes much kinder than before but with a touch of regret at all that they lost because of all the words unsaid.

“Yea buts it all a little too late...” Chenle breaks the still.

“Is it……really too late?” Jisung pleads

“Yea…yea it is.” Chenle tried his best to say it firmly, but the quiver in his voice betrayed the shakiness in his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh i still dk how it should go. maybe i'll just end it on this cliffhanger. really i can see the scenario going both ways, but someone is gonna end up hurt and all of them are so sweet....


End file.
